A dirty little secret here – cyber sex is not real sex.  It doesn’t carry the emotional nor physical involvement that sex in real life has.  You can’t get pregnant, contract STD’s, or wake up the next morning next to someone who’s not as attractive as the night before when you were drunk.  Cyber sex gives HIV-positive individuals the opportunity to have the safest sex out there in the 21st century.

Here’s the risk, however, and it’s the same risk that the internet gives all of us – cyber sex risks staging an illusion of real life encounters.  What to expect, however, is that even going beyond mere texting of wonderfully vivid details of sexual acts and entering the realm of webcams and near-virtual encounters as in Second Life………this is interactive fantasy and role playing.

My husband and I engage in cyber sex with people online, and we realize that it isn’t for everyone.  All couples must be honest and respectful of what boundaries and expectations exist in our relationships without any assumptions that might seriously jeopardize trust.  As in any other instance, it’s all about open and honest communication, and knowing that both of you are unique and different in tastes and turn-offs.  Once the communication is either off, rare, or misleading, cyber sex and cyber relationships (just like money issues, raising children, work relationships, etc.) could easily start leading one down a real-life “second life.”

The explorations into sexual fantasy by use of images (whether it’s physically 5 feet away from you or in your head) is nothing new.  Critics of these explorations have long railed against strip clubs and private lap dances, peep shows, pornography, 1-900 numbers, and Hustler and Playboy mags.  Internet chat rooms are the latest invention of sexual exploration by use of fantasy, and I truly believe that these explorations are excellent opportunities for us as humans to understand ourselves psychologically as a SEXUAL species.

Here’s the catch, though – in order to safely take advantage of these opportunities, it’s VITAL to remind ourselves that all this in front of us is first and foremost an illusion.  As easy as this sounds in theory, there are countless well-meaning folks that forget this basic and simple fact.  People have left their real life spouses and partners because they’ve allowed themselves to get caught up in this illusion and have gotten married to each other.   It’s already easy enough to get caught up in this illusion in real life when your partner at first gives you the idea that they’re stupendously perfect in all respects during your courtship.  On the internet, behind the cloak of anonymity, it’s that much easier to become attached to these illusions, too.

Second, and this is just as important, remember that what attracts you to a certain online personality says more about YOU than it does about your potential cyber partner.  Me?  I’m intensely attracted to brains, a quick wit,  kindness and empathy,  and a sense of humor.   Give me a personality like that online and I’m a quivering mass of orgasmic goo.   And yet, these very things that attract me are aspects of my own personality that I reveal when I’m at my most open and vulnerable state.  In other words……know thyself.

Should you choose to meet after an encounter online?  Oy, take some advice from my own husband - your date will NEVER be what you expect.  I haven’t ever met any of my cyber friends/partners except for one (and I never had cyber sex with this fella), but he has his, and none of them have ever been anything like he experienced online.   Remember the illusion?  Both of us came back after our meetings rather surprised to see the “real” person behind the screen.  If approached with a good attitude of a healthy dose of adventure without any sense of attachment to an outcome, these encounters are a LOT of fun.  But if you’re looking specifically to get some nookie or to get married or be your partner’s be-all and end-all to happiness (or vice versa), be prepared to be incredibly disappointed.

One could realistically say this can be applied to anything, really, when contemplating the Four Noble Truths.  LOL

In short, cyber sex is a great tool for the 21st century love life.  Just like anything else in this world, however, you gotta be smart about it.  And the first step to avoiding stupid mistakes is knowing yourself and knowing the internet.  This isn’t just a one-time deal, either, but an ongoing stream of observations focused on both ends of the line of interaction.  The worst thing one can do is to suspend this contemplation and self-evaluation (in other words, willingly suspending reality while engaging in fantasy, LOL) while one is exploring the world of cyber sex.  It’s what has gotten spouses in trouble for years when strippers, calendar girls, porn stars, cabaret performers, and prostitutes are objectified into pawns for patrons who grasped at any means of escaping pain, worry, loneliness, rejection in the bedroom, etc.  The ignorant then fool themselves into believing the fantasy, ignore their own selves, and then attach themselves to this illusion.  Groundedness and honesty are both thrown out the window.

But before you go out and try to get “virtually” laid, wait until you get some advice on cyber sex ‘netiquette.  I’ll spell out a few things for you next.