An interesting anatomy of an “ideal” threesome

I posed a question to a man I know.  I asked him,  “What would you think if you had the opportunity to be with two women at the same time?”  His reply was, “YAAAYYYY!!!”  Then I asked, “OK, what if you had the opportunity to be with a woman and a man at the same time?”  And his reply was, “Ehhhh, I might feel a little uncomfortable.”  I think this cultural phenomemon is still, to this day, weird.

When I asked him why he might feel a little uncomfortable, he mentioned that it’s because he’s straight and that he just wouldn’t feel right being intimate with another man.  And I think (I’m assuming here, so sue me) that the only possible visual in his mind is to have that one chick in between him and the other guy – where one is fucking her from behind, and the other is getting sucked off – and then she turns around every now and then to switch how she’s getting poked.

Apparently, that’s the only way that SHE could enjoy it?  Granted…..that IS fun on some level, but please – that’s not the only scenario that I could conjur up in my sick head.  So, I posited the idea to him and maybe the one woman in the threesome might want to see him and the other man kiss, to stroke each other, to embrace and caress each other.  He reacted as if this was NOWHERE in the realm of a heterosexual male identity.  So, the conversation ended there – after I told him that I think he suffers from the delusion that women are still on an extremely subtle and foundational level considered objects that are to be used for his pleasure. 

He scoffed.  I asked him how likely would it be for him to wish those two women in his first “ideal” fantasy to kiss and fondle each other while he’s jerking off to the visual.  He smiled. 

Yeah, he didn’t get it.  But you can’t fault him too much, you know.  This kind of objectification is so deeply embedded in our culture that many of us are still surprised when WE find ourselves doing it out of sheer habit.   Even I have found it….when I visualize watching two men – straight men – touching each other for the first time in front of me and seeing a new discovery in eroticism in themselves and each other….and I feel like I’ve been caught with my hand in the proverbial “Thou-Shalt-Not” cookie jar.

And I ain’t talking about the cookie jar from the Christian Fundamentalist Kitchen.  I’m talking about the cookie jar from the so-called Sexually Progressive Kitchen.  Despite all our how-to books and Tantra seminars and sex therapists and talk shows and porn mags, we still have this notion that men-on-men action is quarantined only for the gays and the bis.   It’s why women can admit that they’re “bi-curious” but when was the last time you ever heard a dude admit that? 

And it’s not only their buddies that I suspect they’re afraid of……..how many WOMEN say that they wish they could watch their husbands or their boyfriends make out with another man in front of them? 

All right……….besides ME………how many women do you know who have freely said that to their friends and their SO’s?  This isn’t a male thing.   It’s a cultural thing.   Women are still reluctant and aren’t expected to claim the bed as territory for our fantasies that push boundaries.  Pop culture and frat parties are still inundated with the lesbian fantasy of two buxom blonde women fondling and licking each other while teasing the shit out of some lucky guy at the edge of the bed. 

Lest you think, and lest my male friend thinks, I don’t have beef with him in particular.  I just have beef with his POV.  And like I’d said, it isn’t just him that holds it like a bad habit, I do it too.   The only way, in my not-so-humble-opinion, is to go cold turkey into quitting this mindset.  It’s the most shocking, but the quickest and least painful overall to challenging the objectification of women in the bedroom.  And hey, what’s wrong with a little Zen in the form of a strap-on?

On that note…. I have in mind to liberate some men I know. I’d like to invite some young hot stud over to see if he and Dear Husband might hit it off.  *does a high-five with a fellow girlfriend*

More male and female BSing

I’ve always stated that the war between the sexes ought to be a grand food fight.  That way, it’s not only more fun, but you can lick the food off each other during and after the battle.

I had a conversation a couple nights ago that was started by the two of us relaxing on the couch with the movie “Transformers” on.  The two young leads in the movie are played by Shia Lebouf and Megan Fox.  It’s a Hollywood standard to pair an average-looking man with a woman who is a cookie-cutter model.  Normally, I really don’t care, but that night, something bugged me about it.

I casually mentioned that it would be nice to see more movies where you see the two leads comprised of an “average” looking woman with a young hot stud that could put Brad Pitt to shame.  Dear Husband didn’t argue, but responded that he doesn’t watch movies to see the pairings…..that’s a chick thing.

*chuckles*

The next time we turned on boob tube, I got my wish – “Dirty Dancing” with Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey.  Victory at last!  Or is it?

Aaahhhh, it could be a hormonal moment I was having, where I’ve been known to break out in tears over pancakes.  Or it could have been a moment of clarity of where our society is still behind when it comes to portraying women equally as subjective beings with our own desires, goals, and skills – and not just pretty little cheerleaders for the leading man.

The conversation kicked up again when I asked Dear Husband if a woman in this day and age could achieve the same freedom, status, money, and notoriety as Hugh Hefner.  Part Thalia’s own fantasy, and part social pontificating, I wanted to get his view on the situation.  Mr. Hefner freely has multitudes of young (and I mean YOUNG) women in bed with him, and they all agree to the situation that he has set up.  Could a woman here in the states – or anywhere around the world – have the same opportunity?

“No,” says Dear Husband.  “She’d be looked at as a slut.”

FUCK!!!!!

Actually, I already knew the answer.  I just wanted to hear him say it, although he did follow it up with some musings that it SHOULDN’T be this way.  A woman ought to have the same opportunities and freedoms as a man.

We see this modelled still to this day in our culture…..a man can get around and be cheered on by his buddies.  But once a woman gets around, gossip ensues about her in less than glowing terms from men AND women.  A loose woman can’t be trusted.  She’s either incapable of commitment or fidelity, or she likely will have STD’s, or she’s not going to be a good mother to your 700 future children, or what.  

Now, women will certainly gossip about the man who gets around.  But Dear Husband admits freely that there’s a subtle code of ethics in men’s circles not to denigrate a man-whore’s decisions publicly.  Now, is this how it should be across the board for Whores of all genders and orientations?  Hmmmm…….

I find this view so incredibly fascinating that it bears further investigation.  I haven’t come to any conclusion, and Buddha knows that I doubt I’ll get to one soon.  But these lively conversations I’m having with Dear Husband is allowing me to probe the mind of a man who is married to a woman who not only has gotten around, but is STILL getting around. 

I’m going to have to chew on one of the last things he concluded – “Honey, the way I see it, males and females have different ways of approaching mating.  It sounds primitive, but I’ve seen it this way more often than not.  Males are hunters, and females are seducers…..not 100% of the time, but enough to notice a trend.”

And before I could ask him what that had to do with today’s cultural conditioning of woman’s sexual status and acceptance, Dear Husband practically passed out after talking so much.  For a mostly quiet man, he nearly doubled his daily quota with that one conversation.

Today’s Sacred Whore from history

I’d like to focus a bit on Rachel Felix – performer extraordinaire.  And around my height too at 4’11”.  WHOOT! 

Rachel was known mostly by her first name only, but she was brilliant as an actress in works of tragedy.  Back in her day in theatre in the early 19th century, most theatrical works were overloaded with stylistic sweeping arm gestures and body swayings and grand posture changes.  Rachel revolutionized this style by keeping her movement kiniesphere to a minimalist standard, all the while broadening the depth in her acting in her voice.  For the patrons, this shook them to their core, and Charlotte Bronte was quoted as saying that she “shuddered to the marrow of her bones.”

That’s some pretty heady stuff.  And that’s only how she affected people while she was ON the stage.

Her personal life was much more interesting and passionate.  Rachel took on many lovers, and never married in her short life.  Born in 1821, she grew up quite the gypsy, singing in public for money at 9 years old.  She was taken off the streets by a stranger to the Ecole de Musique Sacre to train as a performance artist.  Once there, she flourished, albeit with some stories of her trouble-making as a growing feisty young woman.

She dared to call her own shots while still in her primary education years.  And by the time she was 17, after being transferred from school to school, she was mentored heavily by Svengali, and she debuted in the show Horace.  She was an instant hit in Paris.

She shortly became involved heavily with Dr. Louis Vernon, but she was never monogamous.  Dr. Vernon was entranced with her, and cared little of her infidelity with other men.  This was never meant to be out of disrespect for her lovers, but more of a commitment to her autonomy and independence.  She has been quoted as saying, “I am free…and mean to remain free. I will have renters, but not owners.”

After many trips around Europe and a final trip to America and Broadway (where her wild sex-capades were discovered by the Victorians, and demonized her at every whim), Rachel lost her long battle to tuberculosis and died at 36.  In spite of her long illness, she never once stopped ravishing and seducing the world.

Wiki has a good entry of Rachel Felix  –  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_(actress)

R.I.P., girlfriend.

Preliminary rants about marital-only procreative sex

A forum that I frequent has welcomed a member that is making some pretty big waves, and she’s not getting a whole lot of popularity votes, either.  She is arguing (passionately but poorly) that contraception has been the bane of our current American culture, and that if only we were to see sex as “how it was designed” – which is within a church-sanctioned heterosexual marriage purposefully for the act of procreation – we wouldn’t be in the shithole we are today. 

Somebody please go and pinch her nose for me.  I’m still in recovery right now.  ;-D

What bugs me the most about arguments like this is that the intention of returning sex and sexuality to a procreative act that is seen as more sacred backfires horribly.  You reduce sex to a mechanistic function and actually DE-sacralize sex into a baby-making operation.  I have no doubts that the people who make these arguments truly believe that placing arbitrary boundaries on sex down to our pensises and vaginas will help us, but they are profoundly ignorant that sex starts in the mind, not between the legs. 

And besides, if we really want to be technically correct here, procreation isn’t really about penises and vaginas, it’s about a union between a sperm and an egg.  Our external reproductive organs are multi-functional, thank you very much.

No, what really gets me is the notion that if you take away by threats of physical or psycho-social punishment contraception, pre-marital sex, extra-martial sex, masturbation, erotic art and literature, pornography, etc.  What is to stop us from demanding women have cliterodectomies?  Millions of girls around the world are subject to that every year, and WE not long ago practiced the same damned thing.  Women have a clitoris, which has but one purpose – sexual ecstasy.  Not procreation.  Soooooooo, explain that ya mindless-establishment pinheads.

Why have a menses cyle?  Why not just devolve back into mammals that only have estrus cycles where we were in heat for a period of time – we released phermones that the males picked up on, mounted us, and we reproduced.  Damn, we were efficient back then, weren’t we?  [/sarcasm]

After I pinch this woman’s nose (wait, whoops, you pinch her nose for me), I want to point her toward the possibility that our menses cycle, the development of the clitoris, and the fact that we can have frontal-facing sex as well as the development of subcutaneous fat in our breast tissue (which helped our curves become even more aesthetically pleasing)………..all this physiologically implies that sex is here MORE for pleasure than it is for procreation.  In fact,  ovulation provides such a small window during our cycle that a successful union between a sperm and an egg is actually pretty slim. 

I can’t argue this point enough, y’all.  Sex and sexuality is the culmination, practice, study, and exploration into the art of pleasure and ecstasy.  It is an opportunity for us as a species to realize what is our true Buddha nature – the one of bliss and interconnectedness.  To reduce sex into that baby-making mechanistic function only serves to protect the sad isolated idea that is the nuclear family.  No grandmama or paw-paw, aunts, uncles, or cousins to help around the house or provide income, love, structure, and guidance.  Hell, it’s horrific not having our elders so near us when we need them the most……….

But I digress.  I do that when getting on preliminary rants and my thoughts aren’t completely cogent quite yet.

OK, bottom line, blissful orgasmic ecstasy is the law.  It is our true nature.  THIS is sacred, and it is what makes us supremely humane.  To nurture ourselves and others into this state of being is what we ought to elevate to, not to how many babies we can pop out while only two adults are around to welcome the new life into the world.  And screw the idea that menopause is a death sentence for women’s sex lives because she isn’t “fertile” anymore (BTW, a hearty “fuck you” not only goes out to all the religious institutions that suggest that, but a hearty “fuck you” also goes out to evolutionary scientists who suggest that as well)………on the contrary, my dear friend, give me a sexually-liberated silver-haired woman, and I’ll show you Wisdom that is red-hot and that can perhaps show us all how to really live.

I’m done rambling for now.  I need to go take a relaxing bath after that rant.

Welcome to cyber-sex pt. 2

Moving on from pt. 1…..

So you’re ready to go.  You got your webcam (or not) and you found a good community that you feel has some potential for like-minded individuals to meet and possibly get it on with.  A few things to think about specifically:

1)  Don’t think that the curtain of anonymity on the ‘net gives you a free pass for a cyber-horizontal-bop the minute you meet someone.  So, you start chatting with someone, she gives you her measurements and tells you what she’s wearing and that she’s already hot and wet…..sound likely?  Of course not.  This is the stuff of fantasy phone sex, and you can pay for that if you want.  But if you’re looking for something more organic, don’t look at the ‘net as an opportunity to use it as a way to objectify your potential partner.  That’s about as realistic as walking up to a nice-looking woman in a bar or a nightclub, asking her name first, and then asking if you could do her second.  999,999 times out of a million, you’re going to get slapped/banned.  So, develop a conversation and find out some common interests.  Sex is always much better in real life when you actually get along, correct?

2)  Keep the directions to an absolute minimum.  Don’t tell her to touch herself at one moment and to lick her fingers the next.  Let your partner decide what to do with his or her body.  And on that note, whatever you’re doing with your own mind and with your own hands is something that you describe and share with your partner – not what you can manipulate them into doing.  Think about this for a minute – cyber sex generally follows the rules of real life with the reality being that there is no sharing of emissions, eh?  But mentally and emotionally and visually, it can be as “real” as you make it.  And good sex happens when both partners allow themselves to be vulnerable.  If there is an element of dominance/submission in your encounters, be absolutely sure that you follow the same rules as you would in real life.  Have a “safe” word.  Ensure that there is complete trust between you two before anyone starts allowing themselves to be directed.  As you can tell, now you realize just how important point #1 really is….

3)  Cyber-love can and does happen.  If both partners return to each other time after time, and if the cyber sex is descriptive and hot, and there are loads of common interests between you two……it follows that this chemistry might produce feelings of romantic love.  I always say, “enjoy the ride.”  And this is where the practice of being aware of the suffering caused by attachment and craving can really help.  Despite the fact that the Second Noble Truth is applicable to real-life relationships, it can be easily forgotten in cyber-world, where one can be fooled by the notion that the ‘net can be one’s escape from reality.  Perservere with the awareness that any relationship on the ‘net can be just as wonderful and fun and vulnerable and mistaken as any relationship away from the computer. 

With that in mind, should you choose to continue, you’ll find some surprises along the way.  You’ll also discover your own specific tastes and turn-offs in the cyber-world.  And you’ll likely come across a point that I’ve overlooked.   I like to remember the first time I engaged in a cyber romance after I left my first husband, and I was quite a novice several years ago, I think about what my wise aunt once advised about it in a surfing metaphor:  just ride the wave, sweetheart.

Welcome to cyber-sex pt. 1

A dirty little secret here – cyber sex is not real sex.  It doesn’t carry the emotional nor physical involvement that sex in real life has.  You can’t get pregnant, contract STD’s, or wake up the next morning next to someone who’s not as attractive as the night before when you were drunk.  Cyber sex gives HIV-positive individuals the opportunity to have the safest sex out there in the 21st century.

Here’s the risk, however, and it’s the same risk that the internet gives all of us – cyber sex risks staging an illusion of real life encounters.  What to expect, however, is that even going beyond mere texting of wonderfully vivid details of sexual acts and entering the realm of webcams and near-virtual encounters as in Second Life………this is interactive fantasy and role playing.

My husband and I engage in cyber sex with people online, and we realize that it isn’t for everyone.  All couples must be honest and respectful of what boundaries and expectations exist in our relationships without any assumptions that might seriously jeopardize trust.  As in any other instance, it’s all about open and honest communication, and knowing that both of you are unique and different in tastes and turn-offs.  Once the communication is either off, rare, or misleading, cyber sex and cyber relationships (just like money issues, raising children, work relationships, etc.) could easily start leading one down a real-life “second life.”

The explorations into sexual fantasy by use of images (whether it’s physically 5 feet away from you or in your head) is nothing new.  Critics of these explorations have long railed against strip clubs and private lap dances, peep shows, pornography, 1-900 numbers, and Hustler and Playboy mags.  Internet chat rooms are the latest invention of sexual exploration by use of fantasy, and I truly believe that these explorations are excellent opportunities for us as humans to understand ourselves psychologically as a SEXUAL species.

Here’s the catch, though – in order to safely take advantage of these opportunities, it’s VITAL to remind ourselves that all this in front of us is first and foremost an illusion.  As easy as this sounds in theory, there are countless well-meaning folks that forget this basic and simple fact.  People have left their real life spouses and partners because they’ve allowed themselves to get caught up in this illusion and have gotten married to each other.   It’s already easy enough to get caught up in this illusion in real life when your partner at first gives you the idea that they’re stupendously perfect in all respects during your courtship.  On the internet, behind the cloak of anonymity, it’s that much easier to become attached to these illusions, too.

Second, and this is just as important, remember that what attracts you to a certain online personality says more about YOU than it does about your potential cyber partner.  Me?  I’m intensely attracted to brains, a quick wit,  kindness and empathy,  and a sense of humor.   Give me a personality like that online and I’m a quivering mass of orgasmic goo.   And yet, these very things that attract me are aspects of my own personality that I reveal when I’m at my most open and vulnerable state.  In other words……know thyself.

Should you choose to meet after an encounter online?  Oy, take some advice from my own husband – your date will NEVER be what you expect.  I haven’t ever met any of my cyber friends/partners except for one (and I never had cyber sex with this fella), but he has his, and none of them have ever been anything like he experienced online.   Remember the illusion?  Both of us came back after our meetings rather surprised to see the “real” person behind the screen.  If approached with a good attitude of a healthy dose of adventure without any sense of attachment to an outcome, these encounters are a LOT of fun.  But if you’re looking specifically to get some nookie or to get married or be your partner’s be-all and end-all to happiness (or vice versa), be prepared to be incredibly disappointed.

One could realistically say this can be applied to anything, really, when contemplating the Four Noble Truths.  LOL

In short, cyber sex is a great tool for the 21st century love life.  Just like anything else in this world, however, you gotta be smart about it.  And the first step to avoiding stupid mistakes is knowing yourself and knowing the internet.  This isn’t just a one-time deal, either, but an ongoing stream of observations focused on both ends of the line of interaction.  The worst thing one can do is to suspend this contemplation and self-evaluation (in other words, willingly suspending reality while engaging in fantasy, LOL) while one is exploring the world of cyber sex.  It’s what has gotten spouses in trouble for years when strippers, calendar girls, porn stars, cabaret performers, and prostitutes are objectified into pawns for patrons who grasped at any means of escaping pain, worry, loneliness, rejection in the bedroom, etc.  The ignorant then fool themselves into believing the fantasy, ignore their own selves, and then attach themselves to this illusion.  Groundedness and honesty are both thrown out the window.

But before you go out and try to get “virtually” laid, wait until you get some advice on cyber sex ‘netiquette.  I’ll spell out a few things for you next.

Are you kidding me?

Welcome to my adventure.

Let’s take a moment, first, to understand why I chose to consider “Sacred Whore” an adventure. This practicing and stumbling Buddhist desires to share with you her journey into an undefined yoga uniting the mind and the G-spot. We talk about the ideal of the bodhisattva – but who the hell is this consort that always seems to straddle him anyway? It isn’t difficult to find thankgas of varying deities in Tibetan esoteric art in sexual union with a consort riding him like an equestrian gold medalist….

Is she a Sacred Whore?

Seriously, we have this consort, this partner, who is screwing a bodhisattva. She’s a part of the picture, too, so why all the fuss about merely and solely sitting in a full-lotus, counting the breaths, practicing vipassana meditation and contemplation of the concept of emptiness? Can’t we utilize this other half of the image, and make love as well on our way to enlightenment?

This is part of my goal for Sacred Whore…..to explore the imagery and symbolism in that Tantric consort. It’s one thing – and a very good thing at that – to contemplate our Buddha nature as an absolute. I’m wondering and pondering if there is value in contemplating our nature as the consort as well. In other words – I’m embarking on an adventure to discover not only my true nature as a Buddha, but my true nature as a Sacred Whore.

So, again, welcome to my adventure. May this be a blessing and a gift of great fortune upon all who share this journey with me.