I nice heated debate has exploded on a discussion forum that I frequent.  The topic in question is direct, but rather loaded:  Does a husband have a right to sex, regardless of his wife’s wishes?  In other words, does a wife have an obligation to perform “Wifely Duties?”

There are two very passionate sides to this debate.  On the one hand, we have a few women who have seen the abuse firsthand what the cultural expectations are of wives who are considered some form of property of the husband.  They have lived it, tasted it, felt the pain personally.  These are female friends who understand that it isn’t just the random asshole who wanted to have it whenever he wanted it – they understand that there is a general attitude of appeasing the male sex drive as the prime directive of the sexual aspect of marriage.

On the other hand, we have a few men who understand that abuse does exist in marriages, but feel attacked for suggesting that men ought to  be considered for their sexual needs.  As much as I understand and empathize with them, this is very much a red herring.  Of course, consideration is part and parcel of a healthy marriage, and being sensitive to each other’s sexual needs is a must if both are considered equal partners.  But this in no way belongs under the argument of whether a man has a “right” to his wife’s body.  And because of this very irrelevent introduction of the red herring, there has been loads of confusion, anger, and accusations flying from both sides.  I find this amazingly depressing.

To be truthful,  it’s annoying that many times when a woman is fighting for her autonomy, we are bombarded with attempts to guilt, shame, or harass us as “reminders” that we should never forget about standing by her man.  Honestly?  That’s a load of crap.  Our autonomy allows us to give MORE and more FREELY of our love, compassion, and understanding.  Take out the “wifely duties”, and you will know for sure that your wife is giving her body and her heart to you because she wants to, not because she has to.  There’s a BIG difference there.

Now, again I ask, when do we women stop being considered property?  And when can our intentions for sexual independence be given the benefit of the doubt?

I posed a question to a man I know.  I asked him,  “What would you think if you had the opportunity to be with two women at the same time?”  His reply was, “YAAAYYYY!!!”  Then I asked, “OK, what if you had the opportunity to be with a woman and a man at the same time?”  And his reply was, “Ehhhh, I might feel a little uncomfortable.”  I think this cultural phenomemon is still, to this day, weird.

When I asked him why he might feel a little uncomfortable, he mentioned that it’s because he’s straight and that he just wouldn’t feel right being intimate with another man.  And I think (I’m assuming here, so sue me) that the only possible visual in his mind is to have that one chick in between him and the other guy – where one is fucking her from behind, and the other is getting sucked off – and then she turns around every now and then to switch how she’s getting poked.

Apparently, that’s the only way that SHE could enjoy it?  Granted…..that IS fun on some level, but please – that’s not the only scenario that I could conjur up in my sick head.  So, I posited the idea to him and maybe the one woman in the threesome might want to see him and the other man kiss, to stroke each other, to embrace and caress each other.  He reacted as if this was NOWHERE in the realm of a heterosexual male identity.  So, the conversation ended there – after I told him that I think he suffers from the delusion that women are still on an extremely subtle and foundational level considered objects that are to be used for his pleasure. 

He scoffed.  I asked him how likely would it be for him to wish those two women in his first “ideal” fantasy to kiss and fondle each other while he’s jerking off to the visual.  He smiled. 

Yeah, he didn’t get it.  But you can’t fault him too much, you know.  This kind of objectification is so deeply embedded in our culture that many of us are still surprised when WE find ourselves doing it out of sheer habit.   Even I have found it….when I visualize watching two men – straight men – touching each other for the first time in front of me and seeing a new discovery in eroticism in themselves and each other….and I feel like I’ve been caught with my hand in the proverbial “Thou-Shalt-Not” cookie jar.

And I ain’t talking about the cookie jar from the Christian Fundamentalist Kitchen.  I’m talking about the cookie jar from the so-called Sexually Progressive Kitchen.  Despite all our how-to books and Tantra seminars and sex therapists and talk shows and porn mags, we still have this notion that men-on-men action is quarantined only for the gays and the bis.   It’s why women can admit that they’re “bi-curious” but when was the last time you ever heard a dude admit that? 

And it’s not only their buddies that I suspect they’re afraid of……..how many WOMEN say that they wish they could watch their husbands or their boyfriends make out with another man in front of them? 

All right……….besides ME………how many women do you know who have freely said that to their friends and their SO’s?  This isn’t a male thing.   It’s a cultural thing.   Women are still reluctant and aren’t expected to claim the bed as territory for our fantasies that push boundaries.  Pop culture and frat parties are still inundated with the lesbian fantasy of two buxom blonde women fondling and licking each other while teasing the shit out of some lucky guy at the edge of the bed. 

Lest you think, and lest my male friend thinks, I don’t have beef with him in particular.  I just have beef with his POV.  And like I’d said, it isn’t just him that holds it like a bad habit, I do it too.   The only way, in my not-so-humble-opinion, is to go cold turkey into quitting this mindset.  It’s the most shocking, but the quickest and least painful overall to challenging the objectification of women in the bedroom.  And hey, what’s wrong with a little Zen in the form of a strap-on?

On that note…. I have in mind to liberate some men I know. I’d like to invite some young hot stud over to see if he and Dear Husband might hit it off.  *does a high-five with a fellow girlfriend*

Well,  I could just sum it all up and say – I don’t like it.  In fact, I don’t like it one bit.  I had written earlier on Sacred Whore that a bad taste in my mouth sits here concerning Obama and equality for the GLBTQ community, and this choice for his inauguration just makes my stomach acid worse. 

While I respect the views of those who feel that Obama used gays/lesbians/bi’s to get elected, I disagree.  He had made it perfectly clear that he has always believed marriage to be between a man and a woman, so did Joe Biden, and so did John Kerry back in ‘04.  In fact, rarely have we found a Democratic presidential candidate that truly stood up for full equality for gays and lesbians – it’s for that reason that I have felt tenuous relations with the Democratic party.  Or both parties for that matter.  I just don’t like either of them.  LOL

What gets me is that Obama has spouted the “separate-but-equal” crap since the dawn of his campaign, and yet now he is inviting Pastor Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration.  This is the same guy that has been quoted as such:

For 5,000 years, marriage has been defined by every single culture and every single religion – this is not a Christian issue. Buddhist, Muslims, Jews – historically, marriage is a man and a woman. And the reason I supported Proposition 8, is really a free speech issue. Because first the court overrode the will of the people, but second there were all kinds of threats that if that did not pass then any pastor could be considered doing hate speech if he shared his views that he didn’t think homosexuality was the most natural way for relationships, and that would be hate speech. We should have freedom of speech, ok? And you should be able to have freedom of speech to make your position and I should be able to have freedom of speech to make my position, and can’t we do this in a civil way.

And….

If anyone, whether unfaithful spouses, or unmarried couples, or homosexuals or anyone else think they are smarter than God and chooses to disobey God’s sexual instructions, it is not the US government’s role to take away their choice. But neither is it the government’s role to classify just any “loving” relationship as a marriage. A committed boyfriend-girlfriend relationship is not a marriage. Two lovers living together is a not a marriage. Incest is not marriage. A domestic partnership or even a civil union is still not marriage.

Well, Pastor Warren, pardon my French, but that’s a really fucking stupid argument.  We all know that a Civil Union is not a marriage, that two lovers living together is not a marriage, etc., but heterosexual lovers have the option and the freedom to get married.  Homosexuals do  not have the freedom to get married.  And people like you are standing in their way because of your religious beliefs.

Here’s something else Rick Warren has stated:

Much of this debate is not really about civil rights, but a desire for approval. The fact that 70% of blacks supported Prop 8 shows they don’t believe it is a civil rights issue. Gays in California already have their rights. What they desire is approval and validation from those who disagree with them, and they are willing to force it by law if necessary. Any disapproval is quickly labeled “hate speech. Imagine if we held that standard in every other disagreement Americans have? There would be no free speech. That’s why, on the traditional marriage side, many saw Prop 8 as a free speech issue: Don’t force me to validate a lifestyle I disagree with. It is not the same as marriage.” And many saw the Teacher’s Union contribution of $3 million against Prop 8, as a effort to insure that children would be taught to approve what most parents disapprove of.]

No, you are wrong again.  The GLBTQ community could give a rat’s ass about approval from your community.   It’s the civil liberties that are at stake here, not begging for you to approve of a lifestyle.  In fact, go ahead and preach whatever you want – I’ll defend that right until my dying day.  Preach your disapproval – I’ll support the rights of our Rinpoches to teach us about the living Dharma, too, that says that certain attachments and ignorance (including yours) will ensure that we will continue to return to the samsaric realm of desire, suffering, and delusion.  However, I will not push to legislate my beliefs to limit your attachments.

Oh, and here is the source of Pastor Warren’s comments from Beliefnet:   http://blog.beliefnet.com/stevenwaldman/2008/12/rick-warrens-controversial-com.html

But I digress…..

I dunno.  These are just my initial thoughts.  At the moment, I’m not happy.  Life goes on.

Let’s have a moment to do a gutcheck.

Just like any intention to pursue any path – including Sacred Whoring – one MUST be sure what one’s motivation is.  If I whore myself out to be a doormat, or to simply get my rocks off, or to validate my own attractiveness, or for competition…..all these examples come from a place of self-cherishing.  And in Tibetan Buddhism, the aim is to be anything BUT self-cherishing.  To have such motivation behind one’s actions results in being unskillful and clumsy to varying degrees.

No, my motivation as a Sacred Whore is as of the Bodhisattva.  I seek nothing for myself, but to liberate you, and to bring you happiness.

To cherish the self, when it is viewed in our tradition that there is no inherent self that exists on it’s own side, is to continue on the hamster wheel of samsara.  We get so attached to the ego, but the realities of our mortal and sexual nature provide us potent (and risky) oppportunities to transcend our ego.  Sex and death, creation and dissolution, merging and liberation – ultimately I contemplate heavily on both in my Whoredom.  But I also seek to contemplate on both with the same courageous selflessness that a mother would have when she must rescue her infant from the inside of a burning house.

THIS is the kind of selflessness that I am talking about.  It is strong, brave, and moral.  I’ve heard of criticism from others about this approach to “self-cherishing”, and that in our culture, seeking to abolish it amounts to reducing our dignity.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Reduing our own dignity or worth is STILL being self-absorbed – albeit it’s being self-absorbed with more angst and tears.

Sacred Whoredom is not your typical street-walker by any means.  It is not even your typical high-priced escort.  These emanations are culturally encapsulated in certain causes and conditions where women are abused and degraded  by society, by pimps, by madams, and by their patrons.  No, a Sacred Whore approaches sex with the highest and most noble motivation without care for self-cherishing concerns like money or status. 

To put it bluntly, a Sacred Whore opens the door to Nirvana for her consorts.

I’ve always stated that the war between the sexes ought to be a grand food fight.  That way, it’s not only more fun, but you can lick the food off each other during and after the battle.

I had a conversation a couple nights ago that was started by the two of us relaxing on the couch with the movie “Transformers” on.  The two young leads in the movie are played by Shia Lebouf and Megan Fox.  It’s a Hollywood standard to pair an average-looking man with a woman who is a cookie-cutter model.  Normally, I really don’t care, but that night, something bugged me about it.

I casually mentioned that it would be nice to see more movies where you see the two leads comprised of an “average” looking woman with a young hot stud that could put Brad Pitt to shame.  Dear Husband didn’t argue, but responded that he doesn’t watch movies to see the pairings…..that’s a chick thing.

*chuckles*

The next time we turned on boob tube, I got my wish – “Dirty Dancing” with Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey.  Victory at last!  Or is it?

Aaahhhh, it could be a hormonal moment I was having, where I’ve been known to break out in tears over pancakes.  Or it could have been a moment of clarity of where our society is still behind when it comes to portraying women equally as subjective beings with our own desires, goals, and skills – and not just pretty little cheerleaders for the leading man.

The conversation kicked up again when I asked Dear Husband if a woman in this day and age could achieve the same freedom, status, money, and notoriety as Hugh Hefner.  Part Thalia’s own fantasy, and part social pontificating, I wanted to get his view on the situation.  Mr. Hefner freely has multitudes of young (and I mean YOUNG) women in bed with him, and they all agree to the situation that he has set up.  Could a woman here in the states – or anywhere around the world – have the same opportunity?

“No,” says Dear Husband.  “She’d be looked at as a slut.”

FUCK!!!!!

Actually, I already knew the answer.  I just wanted to hear him say it, although he did follow it up with some musings that it SHOULDN’T be this way.  A woman ought to have the same opportunities and freedoms as a man.

We see this modelled still to this day in our culture…..a man can get around and be cheered on by his buddies.  But once a woman gets around, gossip ensues about her in less than glowing terms from men AND women.  A loose woman can’t be trusted.  She’s either incapable of commitment or fidelity, or she likely will have STD’s, or she’s not going to be a good mother to your 700 future children, or what.  

Now, women will certainly gossip about the man who gets around.  But Dear Husband admits freely that there’s a subtle code of ethics in men’s circles not to denigrate a man-whore’s decisions publicly.  Now, is this how it should be across the board for Whores of all genders and orientations?  Hmmmm…….

I find this view so incredibly fascinating that it bears further investigation.  I haven’t come to any conclusion, and Buddha knows that I doubt I’ll get to one soon.  But these lively conversations I’m having with Dear Husband is allowing me to probe the mind of a man who is married to a woman who not only has gotten around, but is STILL getting around. 

I’m going to have to chew on one of the last things he concluded – “Honey, the way I see it, males and females have different ways of approaching mating.  It sounds primitive, but I’ve seen it this way more often than not.  Males are hunters, and females are seducers…..not 100% of the time, but enough to notice a trend.”

And before I could ask him what that had to do with today’s cultural conditioning of woman’s sexual status and acceptance, Dear Husband practically passed out after talking so much.  For a mostly quiet man, he nearly doubled his daily quota with that one conversation.

I’d like to focus a bit on Rachel Felix – performer extraordinaire.  And around my height too at 4′11″.  WHOOT! 

Rachel was known mostly by her first name only, but she was brilliant as an actress in works of tragedy.  Back in her day in theatre in the early 19th century, most theatrical works were overloaded with stylistic sweeping arm gestures and body swayings and grand posture changes.  Rachel revolutionized this style by keeping her movement kiniesphere to a minimalist standard, all the while broadening the depth in her acting in her voice.  For the patrons, this shook them to their core, and Charlotte Bronte was quoted as saying that she “shuddered to the marrow of her bones.”

That’s some pretty heady stuff.  And that’s only how she affected people while she was ON the stage.

Her personal life was much more interesting and passionate.  Rachel took on many lovers, and never married in her short life.  Born in 1821, she grew up quite the gypsy, singing in public for money at 9 years old.  She was taken off the streets by a stranger to the Ecole de Musique Sacre to train as a performance artist.  Once there, she flourished, albeit with some stories of her trouble-making as a growing feisty young woman.

She dared to call her own shots while still in her primary education years.  And by the time she was 17, after being transferred from school to school, she was mentored heavily by Svengali, and she debuted in the show Horace.  She was an instant hit in Paris.

She shortly became involved heavily with Dr. Louis Vernon, but she was never monogamous.  Dr. Vernon was entranced with her, and cared little of her infidelity with other men.  This was never meant to be out of disrespect for her lovers, but more of a commitment to her autonomy and independence.  She has been quoted as saying, “I am free…and mean to remain free. I will have renters, but not owners.”

After many trips around Europe and a final trip to America and Broadway (where her wild sex-capades were discovered by the Victorians, and demonized her at every whim), Rachel lost her long battle to tuberculosis and died at 36.  In spite of her long illness, she never once stopped ravishing and seducing the world.

Wiki has a good entry of Rachel Felix  -  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_(actress)

R.I.P., girlfriend.

A forum that I frequent has welcomed a member that is making some pretty big waves, and she’s not getting a whole lot of popularity votes, either.  She is arguing (passionately but poorly) that contraception has been the bane of our current American culture, and that if only we were to see sex as “how it was designed” – which is within a church-sanctioned heterosexual marriage purposefully for the act of procreation – we wouldn’t be in the shithole we are today. 

Somebody please go and pinch her nose for me.  I’m still in recovery right now.  ;-D

What bugs me the most about arguments like this is that the intention of returning sex and sexuality to a procreative act that is seen as more sacred backfires horribly.  You reduce sex to a mechanistic function and actually DE-sacralize sex into a baby-making operation.  I have no doubts that the people who make these arguments truly believe that placing arbitrary boundaries on sex down to our pensises and vaginas will help us, but they are profoundly ignorant that sex starts in the mind, not between the legs. 

And besides, if we really want to be technically correct here, procreation isn’t really about penises and vaginas, it’s about a union between a sperm and an egg.  Our external reproductive organs are multi-functional, thank you very much.

No, what really gets me is the notion that if you take away by threats of physical or psycho-social punishment contraception, pre-marital sex, extra-martial sex, masturbation, erotic art and literature, pornography, etc.  What is to stop us from demanding women have cliterodectomies?  Millions of girls around the world are subject to that every year, and WE not long ago practiced the same damned thing.  Women have a clitoris, which has but one purpose – sexual ecstasy.  Not procreation.  Soooooooo, explain that ya mindless-establishment pinheads.

Why have a menses cyle?  Why not just devolve back into mammals that only have estrus cycles where we were in heat for a period of time – we released phermones that the males picked up on, mounted us, and we reproduced.  Damn, we were efficient back then, weren’t we?  [/sarcasm]

After I pinch this woman’s nose (wait, whoops, you pinch her nose for me), I want to point her toward the possibility that our menses cycle, the development of the clitoris, and the fact that we can have frontal-facing sex as well as the development of subcutaneous fat in our breast tissue (which helped our curves become even more aesthetically pleasing)………..all this physiologically implies that sex is here MORE for pleasure than it is for procreation.  In fact,  ovulation provides such a small window during our cycle that a successful union between a sperm and an egg is actually pretty slim. 

I can’t argue this point enough, y’all.  Sex and sexuality is the culmination, practice, study, and exploration into the art of pleasure and ecstasy.  It is an opportunity for us as a species to realize what is our true Buddha nature – the one of bliss and interconnectedness.  To reduce sex into that baby-making mechanistic function only serves to protect the sad isolated idea that is the nuclear family.  No grandmama or paw-paw, aunts, uncles, or cousins to help around the house or provide income, love, structure, and guidance.  Hell, it’s horrific not having our elders so near us when we need them the most……….

But I digress.  I do that when getting on preliminary rants and my thoughts aren’t completely cogent quite yet.

OK, bottom line, blissful orgasmic ecstasy is the law.  It is our true nature.  THIS is sacred, and it is what makes us supremely humane.  To nurture ourselves and others into this state of being is what we ought to elevate to, not to how many babies we can pop out while only two adults are around to welcome the new life into the world.  And screw the idea that menopause is a death sentence for women’s sex lives because she isn’t “fertile” anymore (BTW, a hearty “fuck you” not only goes out to all the religious institutions that suggest that, but a hearty “fuck you” also goes out to evolutionary scientists who suggest that as well)………on the contrary, my dear friend, give me a sexually-liberated silver-haired woman, and I’ll show you Wisdom that is red-hot and that can perhaps show us all how to really live.

I’m done rambling for now.  I need to go take a relaxing bath after that rant.

Dear Husband is on vacation.  Beware, y’all……we’re doing more de-cluttering.

And that is cool in an of itself.  I abhor clutter, and if it were up to me, I’d have a very simple stash of stuff, and only splurge on books.  I do go through my books every now and then and give what I don’t read anymore away.  But, when it comes to old clutter that we don’t need anymore, I’d rather sniff dog farts than find reasons to keep it all.

So right now, Dear Husband is thoroughly going through the laundry room where a good portion of our clutter lies.  He has let me direct him what to do with what things, and I am currently happily obliging by giving him his “honey-do” list. 

*sighs*  Thalia is quite pleased right now.  Methinks Dear Husband is getting some tonight.

Every now and then I am reminded of how samsara continues to mess with our heads – whether it’s from delusions of grandeur, of craving, and in this case how the U.S. can maintain discriminating against an entire demographic because of a fear of losing “traditional” values.  It’s a major sticking point with me and the upcoming elections.  I can expect the mindless diatribe from the McCain-Palin ticket that must include the phrase one-man-one-woman – but I am even more annoyed at the Obama-Biden ticket for the double-talk surrounding “civil unions.”  Sure, let’s give those nice folks in the GLBTQ community a bone and some scraps from the table of protections and benefits……..but please do NOT let those miscreants take OUR sacred term of “marriage” away from us.

I call bullshit.  We’ve been through this “separate but equal” party several times before in our nation’s short history, and it has never worked.  We had anti-miscengenation laws where specific races were banned from marrying whites until as recently as 1967 with Loving vs. Virginia.  We had laws where women were banned from voting or owning property or couldn’t get court protection from their own husbands in cases of domestic violence or marital rape.

Back then, “traditional” values were brought up as a smokescreen again and again, in the hopes that the public at large would be frightened enough to listen to this “separate but equal” crap.  At a certain point, people stood up for the rights of the disenfranchised, and had the courage to say enough is enough.  Women and minorities were never treated equally under the eyes of the government as long as the state maintained that it can define who gets what rights so as not to shake up the sensibilities of the status quo.  I am telling the government to back the hell off the GLBTQ community, and to open the doors to marriage rights and protections to every adult couple that so desires. 

One thing that I’ve mentioned before and that I still feel, is that as a practicing Buddhist, I see marriage as a social construct,  like defining a “race”, like educational philosophies and methods…..and it is not a sacrament.  While I respect the ecclesiastical courts their right to disagree with me, I do not respect their insistence that the government defines my marriage by their sacrament.  It is what this really boils down to, isn’t it?  Terms like “sacred” or “traditional” are thrown around in order to strike fear into people’s hearts that if you somehow redefine marriage to include those that aren’t mentioned by God as acceptable, then society will be ripped apart at the seams, and we’ll all go to hell in a handbasket.

Yah, I call bullshit again. 

Marriage HAS been redefined throughout history by the government again and again.  Think about issues surrounding polygamy, interracial marriages, defining the age of consent to prevent children from marrying,  women’s ability to own property within a marriage, common-law marriages, allowing “no-fault” divorces………..criminy, the list goes on and on.  And samsara continues to blind us with ignorance by attempting to paint gays and lesbians as people who aren’t us but something other.

Obama wishes to grant civil unions to gay and lesbian couples?  But doesn’t want to grant them the title of being “married”?  BOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!  I guess his rhetoric of attacking the trickle-down economics by saying that those without health insurance are “on their own” applies to gay and lesbian couples with a civil union.  Say they want to fill out tax forms or a census without risk of fraud, or to move their family to another state that doesn’t honor civil union contracts, or wish to dissolve their civil union but can’t……..according to Obama, gays and lesbians are unfortunately “on their own.”

We still have a long road to travel before the American public is more accepting of the GLBTQ community, and who will see through the insidious discrimination that is mandated by our government.  Atheists can get married in a civil court.  In Colorado, people only have to live together for a bit, wear wedding bands for a bit, call each other a husband and wife for a bit, and file a joint tax return to enjoy the benefits that come with a common-law marriage (which, by the way, is honored in all 50 states if this couple moves).  A couple can also petition the courts to dissolve their marriage in a “no-fault” divorce, and the court will honor that. 

I don’t see the public up in arms about this reality like they are about the term gay marriage.  I don’t see the public railing against divorce because marriage is so darn sacred.  I don’t see the public upset that two folks can co-habitate for a bit and fornicate their little hearts out because marriage is so darn sacred.  And YIKES……..atheists getting married?  But isn’t marriage sacred?

This isn’t about defining what is sacred and what isn’t.  That’s not the government’s job, and it doesn’t matter what I think or you think or what Joe Six Pack thinks.  We currently have a Buddha Bar in New York City, but how many of the religious are lobbying Congress to pass a Defense of Buddha Act in order to protect the sacredness of one of the Refuges?  The government must act in a secular tone in order to ensure the rights and liberties of all free citizens despite personal feelings or religious leanings.  Christians can still receive the sacrament of marriage in their church and call it sacred even if homosexuals are allowed to marry in a civil court.

It’s insane.  It’s maddening.  And the discrimination must stop now.

For now, I’m wanting to add a bit more to the problem young girls face when they become more aware of their adolescent bodies and their own sexuality.  Soon enough, I’d like to see how boys are given their due as well in the mass media since they are affected by images of the bulging pecs, the washboard abs, the broad shoulders, yadda yadda yadda.  But at this moment, this article last year on cnn.com reminded us why we still need to talk about it:

  http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/03/15/BK.girls.body.image/index.html

What I found refreshing was the idea to provide an antidote to our young girls’ delusions on what is sexy and what isn’t……and the antidote provided in the article was to have a strong father or male role model that recognizes the girls strengths that had nothing to do with how she looked in a swimsuit.  What I didn’t like was that girls will notice that yet another adult is ignoring her body and how it looks, and that the girl will continue to look for beauty standards somewhere else.

Moms are very guilty of this, too.  It’s something I’ve noticed in the mindsets of how to deal with the problem of teenaged girls and body image – and it amounts to swinging the pendulum wildly in the opposite direction where the body is never even discussed, and if it is, a girl is inundated with platitudes of how Hollywood stars and Barbie dolls are ruining body image every day.  This does nothing but leave body image in the abstract, and a young girl is still trying to discover exactly how she is beautiful. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a strong proponent of pointing out a girl’s strength in her mind, in her spirit, and in her goals and achievements.  However, we simply can’t brush aside letting her know how beautiful she looks because we are afraid of pressuring her into worrying about her looks.  Trust me, the girl is already worried about her looks.  She’s also worried about how smart she is, how if she has friends to have fun with and who like her, how her parents get along, and on and on.  Yes, we parents are totally neurotic with how we appear either too harsh or too overprotective…..but the answer isn’t to “refocus” our rhetoric into giving our daughters recognition in one area and not another.

She will read into it well, and realize that she’s STILL not considered a whole person in the eyes of her mentors.  She’s a brain and an achiever, but she’s not beautiful.  And that potentially can be just as devastating.

My daughter is turning 10 in less than a week, and she is starting to see how her hormones are leading her into the dawn of womanhood.  Right now, we’re just seeing the twilight just before the sun begins to peek through, but she has recently become a little modest about her body.  A few months ago, after helping her shop for her first bra, she was walking around the house with her arms wrapped around her chest.  I asked her why she was doing that, and she said that she didn’t want anybody looking at her breasts.  I didn’t panic, but said what came naturally to me as a Sacred Whore:

“I don’t know why, sweetheart.  I think they’re beautiful.  And they’re just as beautiful as everything else about you – your elbows, your eyes, and that really smart brain you have.  So go ahead and be proud of them.”

Her tension was gone after I said that, and she was in a better mood.  I haven’t seen her worry about her breasts since.  But I guess we’ll see if in 10 years she’s sitting on a therapists couch relaying how I ruined her life with a comment that made her feel pressured to have beautiful breasts.  LOL

You know - it’s just as silly trying to categorize a woman and a girl by a singular component in her brain as it is in a singular body part.  Nice rack?  Nice ass?  Nice teeth?  Or nice career?  Works with a team well?  Scores high on aptitude tests?  Jeez………when can we just say that she is beautiful – simply because she is confident and true to herself?

In my mind, there is nothing more attractive than a strong, confident woman who flaunts her stuff AND speaks her mind.  Not either/or….but both.  She mesmerizes with her eyes AND doesn’t shy away from giving her opinion.  This is what I want to introduce to young girls, and that is beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder, and that it first comes from her own discerning eye.  I want to introduce to young girls and teens to pay NO attention to what others say – her peers, TV ads, or test scores.  Look in the mirror and decide how you’re physically beautiful and a bombshell, then show it without hesitation.  Look in the mirror and decide how you’re amazingly intelligent, and then show it without hesitation.  Look in the mirror and decide how you’re gifted and skilled, and then show it without hesitation.  Truthfully, I’d prefer to say that there is no time like the present to give a young girl the opportunity to discover every single part of her that is magnificent – and on her own terms and nobody else’s.

To this day, one of my favorite quotes is by Marianne Williamson, and I’ll let her do the talking from here on out today:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Moving on from pt. 1…..

So you’re ready to go.  You got your webcam (or not) and you found a good community that you feel has some potential for like-minded individuals to meet and possibly get it on with.  A few things to think about specifically:

1)  Don’t think that the curtain of anonymity on the ‘net gives you a free pass for a cyber-horizontal-bop the minute you meet someone.  So, you start chatting with someone, she gives you her measurements and tells you what she’s wearing and that she’s already hot and wet…..sound likely?  Of course not.  This is the stuff of fantasy phone sex, and you can pay for that if you want.  But if you’re looking for something more organic, don’t look at the ‘net as an opportunity to use it as a way to objectify your potential partner.  That’s about as realistic as walking up to a nice-looking woman in a bar or a nightclub, asking her name first, and then asking if you could do her second.  999,999 times out of a million, you’re going to get slapped/banned.  So, develop a conversation and find out some common interests.  Sex is always much better in real life when you actually get along, correct?

2)  Keep the directions to an absolute minimum.  Don’t tell her to touch herself at one moment and to lick her fingers the next.  Let your partner decide what to do with his or her body.  And on that note, whatever you’re doing with your own mind and with your own hands is something that you describe and share with your partner – not what you can manipulate them into doing.  Think about this for a minute – cyber sex generally follows the rules of real life with the reality being that there is no sharing of emissions, eh?  But mentally and emotionally and visually, it can be as “real” as you make it.  And good sex happens when both partners allow themselves to be vulnerable.  If there is an element of dominance/submission in your encounters, be absolutely sure that you follow the same rules as you would in real life.  Have a “safe” word.  Ensure that there is complete trust between you two before anyone starts allowing themselves to be directed.  As you can tell, now you realize just how important point #1 really is….

3)  Cyber-love can and does happen.  If both partners return to each other time after time, and if the cyber sex is descriptive and hot, and there are loads of common interests between you two……it follows that this chemistry might produce feelings of romantic love.  I always say, “enjoy the ride.”  And this is where the practice of being aware of the suffering caused by attachment and craving can really help.  Despite the fact that the Second Noble Truth is applicable to real-life relationships, it can be easily forgotten in cyber-world, where one can be fooled by the notion that the ‘net can be one’s escape from reality.  Perservere with the awareness that any relationship on the ‘net can be just as wonderful and fun and vulnerable and mistaken as any relationship away from the computer. 

With that in mind, should you choose to continue, you’ll find some surprises along the way.  You’ll also discover your own specific tastes and turn-offs in the cyber-world.  And you’ll likely come across a point that I’ve overlooked.   I like to remember the first time I engaged in a cyber romance after I left my first husband, and I was quite a novice several years ago, I think about what my wise aunt once advised about it in a surfing metaphor:  just ride the wave, sweetheart.

A dirty little secret here – cyber sex is not real sex.  It doesn’t carry the emotional nor physical involvement that sex in real life has.  You can’t get pregnant, contract STD’s, or wake up the next morning next to someone who’s not as attractive as the night before when you were drunk.  Cyber sex gives HIV-positive individuals the opportunity to have the safest sex out there in the 21st century.

Here’s the risk, however, and it’s the same risk that the internet gives all of us – cyber sex risks staging an illusion of real life encounters.  What to expect, however, is that even going beyond mere texting of wonderfully vivid details of sexual acts and entering the realm of webcams and near-virtual encounters as in Second Life………this is interactive fantasy and role playing.

My husband and I engage in cyber sex with people online, and we realize that it isn’t for everyone.  All couples must be honest and respectful of what boundaries and expectations exist in our relationships without any assumptions that might seriously jeopardize trust.  As in any other instance, it’s all about open and honest communication, and knowing that both of you are unique and different in tastes and turn-offs.  Once the communication is either off, rare, or misleading, cyber sex and cyber relationships (just like money issues, raising children, work relationships, etc.) could easily start leading one down a real-life “second life.”

The explorations into sexual fantasy by use of images (whether it’s physically 5 feet away from you or in your head) is nothing new.  Critics of these explorations have long railed against strip clubs and private lap dances, peep shows, pornography, 1-900 numbers, and Hustler and Playboy mags.  Internet chat rooms are the latest invention of sexual exploration by use of fantasy, and I truly believe that these explorations are excellent opportunities for us as humans to understand ourselves psychologically as a SEXUAL species.

Here’s the catch, though – in order to safely take advantage of these opportunities, it’s VITAL to remind ourselves that all this in front of us is first and foremost an illusion.  As easy as this sounds in theory, there are countless well-meaning folks that forget this basic and simple fact.  People have left their real life spouses and partners because they’ve allowed themselves to get caught up in this illusion and have gotten married to each other.   It’s already easy enough to get caught up in this illusion in real life when your partner at first gives you the idea that they’re stupendously perfect in all respects during your courtship.  On the internet, behind the cloak of anonymity, it’s that much easier to become attached to these illusions, too.

Second, and this is just as important, remember that what attracts you to a certain online personality says more about YOU than it does about your potential cyber partner.  Me?  I’m intensely attracted to brains, a quick wit,  kindness and empathy,  and a sense of humor.   Give me a personality like that online and I’m a quivering mass of orgasmic goo.   And yet, these very things that attract me are aspects of my own personality that I reveal when I’m at my most open and vulnerable state.  In other words……know thyself.

Should you choose to meet after an encounter online?  Oy, take some advice from my own husband - your date will NEVER be what you expect.  I haven’t ever met any of my cyber friends/partners except for one (and I never had cyber sex with this fella), but he has his, and none of them have ever been anything like he experienced online.   Remember the illusion?  Both of us came back after our meetings rather surprised to see the “real” person behind the screen.  If approached with a good attitude of a healthy dose of adventure without any sense of attachment to an outcome, these encounters are a LOT of fun.  But if you’re looking specifically to get some nookie or to get married or be your partner’s be-all and end-all to happiness (or vice versa), be prepared to be incredibly disappointed.

One could realistically say this can be applied to anything, really, when contemplating the Four Noble Truths.  LOL

In short, cyber sex is a great tool for the 21st century love life.  Just like anything else in this world, however, you gotta be smart about it.  And the first step to avoiding stupid mistakes is knowing yourself and knowing the internet.  This isn’t just a one-time deal, either, but an ongoing stream of observations focused on both ends of the line of interaction.  The worst thing one can do is to suspend this contemplation and self-evaluation (in other words, willingly suspending reality while engaging in fantasy, LOL) while one is exploring the world of cyber sex.  It’s what has gotten spouses in trouble for years when strippers, calendar girls, porn stars, cabaret performers, and prostitutes are objectified into pawns for patrons who grasped at any means of escaping pain, worry, loneliness, rejection in the bedroom, etc.  The ignorant then fool themselves into believing the fantasy, ignore their own selves, and then attach themselves to this illusion.  Groundedness and honesty are both thrown out the window.

But before you go out and try to get “virtually” laid, wait until you get some advice on cyber sex ‘netiquette.  I’ll spell out a few things for you next.

How long should it last?  How long DOES it last for you?  And how much does it matter?

If you’re swinging from the chandeliers or creating new holes in your bedroom wall or collapsing the dining room table, good for you.  Apparently, that’s not the benchmark for what is frequency of sex in a single encounter according to a couple of Penn State researchers.  http://www.bio-medicine.org/medicine-news-1/Good-sexual-intercourse-lasts-minutes–not-hours–therapists-say-15561-1/

From the article and their findings:

The average therapists responses defined the ranges of intercourse activity times: “adequate,” from 3-7 minutes; “desirable,” from 7-13 minutes; “too short” from 1-2 minutes; and “too long” from 10-30 minutes.

I can say from personal experience that this averages out somewhat accurately.  Remember, we’re talking intercourse - not foreplay or afterplay or taking a break to do a little oral.  This is the nitty gritty here, or at least what might be considered the “most important” sexual activity?

Pfft.

I feel like calling up Eric Corty and Jenay Guardiani themselves and requesting that they do some more research, and THIS time to focus on how much time is spent on foreplay, oral sex, and…….oooh, I got one…….simply touching and embracing.

I must be in one of my moods today.  I get annoyed when sex is simply reduced to penetrative intercourse as the only viable definition of what sex is.  Hopefully, former President Clinton will make a mental note of this.

She is someone I continue to idolize to this day.  For a woman back in the late ’20s to write, produce, and star in her own show on Broadway called “Sex” (which also put her in jail for public obscenity),  to being in another show “The Drag” about homosexuality (which was also banned on Broadway), but it was her play “Diamond Lil” in 1928 that solidified her Broadway career and her fanbase.

Here she is in the twilight of her career in her 80s, and still sports more va-va-voom in her than most blonde bombshells have ever had in the last 25 years:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFjGJIHnH7w

I love it…….”a room with wall-to-wall men.”  Work it, girl!

And of course, we can’t possibly forget one of the most famous pick-up lines in Hollywood history, used over and over again (and many times misquoted):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5L0eJp7V2Zs&feature=related

“You can be had.”  The more I read about her and watch her, the more I love her.  Mae West, thank you so much for all you’ve given to women and to the industry. 

R.I.P  girlfriend.

Ever since she came on the scene in Hollywood, I’ve loved her and rooted for her on screen and off screen.

She has the capacity to kick ass, take names, have her way with all of them in bed, and then get up in the morning to help children around the world.  Ladies and gentlemen, this is MY kind of woman.  Not only can she mesmerize an audience with her lips and her charisma, but she nurtures the young around her with such devotion.

Magnetic.  Powerful.  Gifted.  Beautiful.  Intelligent.  And downright hot and sexy…

All I can say is – you go girl.

…..is?

Most of us know the rest of it – there is a great woman.   Most men who find success many times attribute that success to the most influential woman in their lives. 

What I’ve found interesting is that I never exactly liked that phrase.  My mother would many times utter it in her moments of feminist passion, and I can sense the concept of being the muse, the inspiration, the cheerleader and source of strength and wisdom for her man.  But, honestly folks, behind my man?   Somehow that doesn’t seem much like a real interaction between the two of us.  I’d feel as if I’m more or less either talking to him with his back turned to me bravely facing the world and hoping to high heavens that he’ll hear what I’m saying in my support to him – or that I’m sitting back and waiting for him to turn around and ask for my support.

Either way, what truly active role would I as a woman take with my man if I were truly behind him?   Well, Miss Whore, how about beside your man?

Nah….while that may feel more in line with equanimity, partnership, and a tight bond that couples share, I still don’t buy that either.  Adam’s Rib doesn’t jive with the light and the passion that most men share when thanking their women for their support.  It’s a kind of vulnerability I see that is so endearing – so side by side seems more like a “buddy” than a “woman.” 

Not that I’m dissing friendship here, folks.  My husband and I are far and away best friends before anything else.  We may feel lust for each other some days, romantic love for each other some days, business partners some days, parents to our children most days – but for all these varying roles that bleed in and out of our daily lives we still maintain our friendship first and foremost.  I believe it’s what makes us a strong couple.

But we’re not talking about what makes a strong couple.  I am still focusing on what makes men inspired to move and to take action.  Friendship, for all it’s merits, still doesn’t hold the mystery carrot dangling in front of the man.

What if – instead of being behind or beside great men – we are actually facing them?  Beckoning them further and further into our labrynth of mystery and callings?  Seducing them with our body, our voice, our ideas? Or all of them together and then some?  I can’t think of it being all that surprising, given that men often joke that they took 9 months getting out of the birth canal and spending the rest of their lives trying to get back in.    I ask you to come hither to show you my path.  You choose to follow.  I direct you how to get here and give you my guidelines for you to consider.  And if you continue on in your hero’s quest, I reward you with love, passion, kisses, and enliven all of your senses…..and the cycle starts over again.

Am I implying that men are mindless and unimaginative?  Of course not?  Am I implying that women are objectified as a “prize” to be won?  No, no!  This is all a journey and why men bestow so much to the strong, patient, and wise women in their lives who encourage heroes to greatness. 

Ladies, why not try to beckon your man to greatness instead of pushing him?  Personally, I think it’s a hell of a lot more fun.

“Soft porn versus ‘hard-core’ porn:  I can make this very easy and declare a stalemate.  There is not, and never will be, a clear winner in the debate over what is more palatable or aesthetically pleasing to the viewer or the reader.   What I feel urged to express here is the art – yes, you read that correctly, the art – of pornography.   Whether it is the abstract depiction of genitalia in architecture, the suggestive dialogue that can be found in TV ads and sitcoms, the colorful, melodramatic and long-winded “rape fantasies” spelled out in many a romance novel (which I plan on writing about further on a later date), or the craft of getting the hands, tongue, and everything else on the body dirty in what our culture normally defines as pornography. 

But first, let’s define pornography.  How about this from the American Heritage online dictionary?

“Sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal. “

I’d be damned to think that narrows the application to Jenna Jameson and those in her specific line of work as a porn star.  I can very easily throw in the Victoria’s Secret catalogue, too.  Although, this isn’t considered “pornographic”, I maintain that it is.  It may be on a more subtle level (of course, not nearly as subliminal as the Grand Tetons, but I digress…..), however the imagery, the bedroom eyes, the perfectly airbrushed faces to portray the kind of glow women exhibit while sexually aroused -

By the way, I wasn’t aware of that until my early 20’s.  Women’s faces in fashion/intimate apparel mags are computer enhanced to portray flushed cheeks, dilated pupils, pouty lips, etc., that naturally occur during sexual arousal.  At least that’s what I heard…..

Back from the gossip – sex is, in my not so humble opinion, everywhere.  If it isn’t sitting in a locked cabinet hiding away from children or spouses, it’s in the mating songs of animals as Spring arrives, the frighteningly vaginal arched-openings in temples, mosques, and churches around the world, and the peaks and valleys found in some of the most beautiful and breath-taking landscapes in the world. 

Symbolism does not have to remain in a murky, vague, floating kind of abstract metaphor for it to be considered an art.  I think mothering is an art.  So is breastfeeding (which is a learned art and not as easy to pick up as it is inferred, but I digress yet again).  These are hands-on, down-to-earth interactions between living and breathing human beings, like the art of selling, debate, and rhetoric.  In that way,  hard-core pornography, with it’s close-up camera angles of the genitalia,  the skills in performance (seriously), and the “money shot”…..art, art, and more art.  It’s a masculine kind of art, but art nonetheless.  It’s assertive, confident, and it holds a mirror up to us showing what we really might look like when we’re having ourselves a good romp in the sack.

And we’re mesmerized by it all.  Porn, with all it’s controversy, continues to enjoy billions of dollars a year in revenue with it’s impact on us as a culture and as individuals.  The emotional impact of the Pornography Whore awakens in us the realization of our own sexuality that either repulses us or invigorates us.  Either way, we are forced into introspection.  We can choose then, how to cope with it and apply our realizations to our surroundings.

Ha haaaa! Seeing posters grace many of my male friends’ walls of half-naked girls draped across muscle cars, I just have to giggle. I’m admittedly intrigued by the fascination lots of men have with women on the car of their dreams. Every time I ask my dear husband his opinion on why HE likes it, he just smiles and says I don’t understand.

Well, damn it! I want to.

Is it the curves? Maybe it’s the aesthetics that a beautiful car has that is reminiscient of a beautiful woman. Round wheels, round ass, maybe? Smooth finish like her smooth skin? The velvety interior that cushions you while you take her for a ride? Considering the metaphor, how vaginal can this get?

Or is it the desire for reliability? Adventure? Can the motor run, so to speak, fast and enduringly? Can she take you to places you’ve only dreamed of before?

Notice I haven’t put the idea of the “best friend” in there, since it seems that metaphor is only reserved for dogs. Cars aren’t man’s best friend….they are the tickets to freedom and liberation. Is this fantasy feasible when a dream girl enters the picture. What if SHE was a ticket to freedom?

Chicks and cars are somewhat of a mystery, I think, only because none of the reasons for this particular fascination has ever really been spelled out or explained. My opinion is that the desire with the woman is that she gives you everything and more that the car does. Of course, this is not to say that you should try “pony play” with her, stick a saddle on her, and expect her to escort you up the road. No….I’m speaking metaphorically here.

Dream cars and dream girls. The more I think and ponder this, the more it makes sense.

Welcome to my adventure.

Let’s take a moment, first, to understand why I chose to consider “Sacred Whore” an adventure. This practicing and stumbling Buddhist desires to share with you her journey into an undefined yoga uniting the mind and the G-spot. We talk about the ideal of the bodhisattva – but who the hell is this consort that always seems to straddle him anyway? It isn’t difficult to find thankgas of varying deities in Tibetan esoteric art in sexual union with a consort riding him like an equestrian gold medalist….

Is she a Sacred Whore?

Seriously, we have this consort, this partner, who is screwing a bodhisattva. She’s a part of the picture, too, so why all the fuss about merely and solely sitting in a full-lotus, counting the breaths, practicing vipassana meditation and contemplation of the concept of emptiness? Can’t we utilize this other half of the image, and make love as well on our way to enlightenment?

This is part of my goal for Sacred Whore…..to explore the imagery and symbolism in that Tantric consort. It’s one thing – and a very good thing at that – to contemplate our Buddha nature as an absolute. I’m wondering and pondering if there is value in contemplating our nature as the consort as well. In other words – I’m embarking on an adventure to discover not only my true nature as a Buddha, but my true nature as a Sacred Whore.

So, again, welcome to my adventure. May this be a blessing and a gift of great fortune upon all who share this journey with me.