I nice heated debate has exploded on a discussion forum that I frequent.  The topic in question is direct, but rather loaded:  Does a husband have a right to sex, regardless of his wife’s wishes?  In other words, does a wife have an obligation to perform “Wifely Duties?”

There are two very passionate sides to this debate.  On the one hand, we have a few women who have seen the abuse firsthand what the cultural expectations are of wives who are considered some form of property of the husband.  They have lived it, tasted it, felt the pain personally.  These are female friends who understand that it isn’t just the random asshole who wanted to have it whenever he wanted it – they understand that there is a general attitude of appeasing the male sex drive as the prime directive of the sexual aspect of marriage.

On the other hand, we have a few men who understand that abuse does exist in marriages, but feel attacked for suggesting that men ought to  be considered for their sexual needs.  As much as I understand and empathize with them, this is very much a red herring.  Of course, consideration is part and parcel of a healthy marriage, and being sensitive to each other’s sexual needs is a must if both are considered equal partners.  But this in no way belongs under the argument of whether a man has a “right” to his wife’s body.  And because of this very irrelevent introduction of the red herring, there has been loads of confusion, anger, and accusations flying from both sides.  I find this amazingly depressing.

To be truthful,  it’s annoying that many times when a woman is fighting for her autonomy, we are bombarded with attempts to guilt, shame, or harass us as “reminders” that we should never forget about standing by her man.  Honestly?  That’s a load of crap.  Our autonomy allows us to give MORE and more FREELY of our love, compassion, and understanding.  Take out the “wifely duties”, and you will know for sure that your wife is giving her body and her heart to you because she wants to, not because she has to.  There’s a BIG difference there.

Now, again I ask, when do we women stop being considered property?  And when can our intentions for sexual independence be given the benefit of the doubt?

Heads up, everyone.  I’m watching a fascinating documentary on the history of modern civilization told through the eyes of pornographers.   It’s called “Pornography: The Secret History of Civilization.”  Sounds ballsy, right?  Well, I can’t pooh-pooh the scholarship from what I’ve seen so far.  It’s incredible.  5 hours of material of erotic imagery and the politics and culture surrounding it all from the paintings in Pompeii to the age of the internet.  From French nude pictures exported to London and then to the United States, to peep shows, stag films, magazines, and the advent of video.  And, from the erotic images in Michaelangelo’s “The Last Judgement” to the many cathedrals in Europe that attempted to shock believers into sexual purity through pornographic images, to the shocking writings of Marquis de Sade…..so far, I’ve only gotten as far as just past the printing press and barely into the world of photographic images on a grand scale.

Watching the documentary, I’m reminded of an earlier post on this blog where I discussed pornography as an art, and I’m more grounded in my opinion now more than ever.  The difference is that porn is a taboo kind of art, where we are skiddish to view it and discuss it amongst our family and friends, and that we continue to this day to share in our Victorian hangovers……somehow sexual imagery is supposed to remain separate from plain view.  That if we were not only to view nudity in all it’s grand form, but images of explicit sexual activity, that we know that WE won’t be corrupted by it, but what about our kids?  Our neighbors?  Our colleagues, or our boss, or our assistants?  We still act as if we need to quarantine the imagery for the safety of other people’s minds.

It’s crazy, isn’t it?  If you really really really REALLY think about it. 

Anyway, just a heads up of what Thalia has been up to.  Dear Husband has been getting into it, but I also think when I mentioned that there was a lot of pussy in this DVD, he felt more enthusiastic to sitting down with me in support as well as his own enjoyment.

Just because I’m morbidly curious like that, I googled three terms……..penis, vagina,  and clitoris.  Guess which word won out by a long shot:

Penis.

With all the hoopla of internet porn where pussy is sought out everywhere, I was actually quite intrigued to see that there are over 158 MILLION results on google for “penis”, where as there are around 80 million results for “vagina”, and a paltry 19 million for “clitoris.” 

Why the hating?  Or rather, on a more positive note, maybe we should explore why the penis fascinates so many people. 

Is it for business purposes?  You can count the ads for Levitra and Viagra and the odd enhancement drug as part of that, so the pharm companies might have a hand in all this (forgive the pun, please).  But you know, vaginas also have stock in capitalist ventures, too, with douches, tampons, diaphragms, gynecologists, and the whole giving birth thing and the business surrounding that.

So, I don’t get it.  I refuse to play the gender card here, but I’m very fascinated with this phenomenon.  Penis, penis, penis (re: Marsha, Marsha, Marsha) – wherefore art thou, Penis?  It surely must be natural to do a whole lot of dick-waving literally and metaphorically…….

SHIT!  How appropro – not only do you have to work harder to find the clit in real life, but on the ‘net as well.  OH THE BLANK UNHOLY IRONY!!

I posed a question to a man I know.  I asked him,  “What would you think if you had the opportunity to be with two women at the same time?”  His reply was, “YAAAYYYY!!!”  Then I asked, “OK, what if you had the opportunity to be with a woman and a man at the same time?”  And his reply was, “Ehhhh, I might feel a little uncomfortable.”  I think this cultural phenomemon is still, to this day, weird.

When I asked him why he might feel a little uncomfortable, he mentioned that it’s because he’s straight and that he just wouldn’t feel right being intimate with another man.  And I think (I’m assuming here, so sue me) that the only possible visual in his mind is to have that one chick in between him and the other guy – where one is fucking her from behind, and the other is getting sucked off – and then she turns around every now and then to switch how she’s getting poked.

Apparently, that’s the only way that SHE could enjoy it?  Granted…..that IS fun on some level, but please – that’s not the only scenario that I could conjur up in my sick head.  So, I posited the idea to him and maybe the one woman in the threesome might want to see him and the other man kiss, to stroke each other, to embrace and caress each other.  He reacted as if this was NOWHERE in the realm of a heterosexual male identity.  So, the conversation ended there – after I told him that I think he suffers from the delusion that women are still on an extremely subtle and foundational level considered objects that are to be used for his pleasure. 

He scoffed.  I asked him how likely would it be for him to wish those two women in his first “ideal” fantasy to kiss and fondle each other while he’s jerking off to the visual.  He smiled. 

Yeah, he didn’t get it.  But you can’t fault him too much, you know.  This kind of objectification is so deeply embedded in our culture that many of us are still surprised when WE find ourselves doing it out of sheer habit.   Even I have found it….when I visualize watching two men – straight men – touching each other for the first time in front of me and seeing a new discovery in eroticism in themselves and each other….and I feel like I’ve been caught with my hand in the proverbial “Thou-Shalt-Not” cookie jar.

And I ain’t talking about the cookie jar from the Christian Fundamentalist Kitchen.  I’m talking about the cookie jar from the so-called Sexually Progressive Kitchen.  Despite all our how-to books and Tantra seminars and sex therapists and talk shows and porn mags, we still have this notion that men-on-men action is quarantined only for the gays and the bis.   It’s why women can admit that they’re “bi-curious” but when was the last time you ever heard a dude admit that? 

And it’s not only their buddies that I suspect they’re afraid of……..how many WOMEN say that they wish they could watch their husbands or their boyfriends make out with another man in front of them? 

All right……….besides ME………how many women do you know who have freely said that to their friends and their SO’s?  This isn’t a male thing.   It’s a cultural thing.   Women are still reluctant and aren’t expected to claim the bed as territory for our fantasies that push boundaries.  Pop culture and frat parties are still inundated with the lesbian fantasy of two buxom blonde women fondling and licking each other while teasing the shit out of some lucky guy at the edge of the bed. 

Lest you think, and lest my male friend thinks, I don’t have beef with him in particular.  I just have beef with his POV.  And like I’d said, it isn’t just him that holds it like a bad habit, I do it too.   The only way, in my not-so-humble-opinion, is to go cold turkey into quitting this mindset.  It’s the most shocking, but the quickest and least painful overall to challenging the objectification of women in the bedroom.  And hey, what’s wrong with a little Zen in the form of a strap-on?

On that note…. I have in mind to liberate some men I know. I’d like to invite some young hot stud over to see if he and Dear Husband might hit it off.  *does a high-five with a fellow girlfriend*

First, if you  have not checked out the DOMAI site that features very tasteful and beautiful nude pictures of women, please take the time and look it over.  It’ refreshing, needed, and outstanding.

www.domai.com

There.  Now on to my thoughts on a conversation I had with a very good friend of mine about a pic on this very site.

A little about my friend, however – she is a 40-year-old confident and feisty woman (of course, I love her for those qualities in and of themselves) who also shows remarkable kindness toward her fellow sisters when they need it the most.  She also channels some fierce Kali angry energy at times when she comes across a topic she feels passionate about.  When it comes to our livelier conversations, we tend to debate  much about the business of pornography, titty bars, and prostitution.  She feels passionately about these very topics, as do I.  However, we normally happily sit on opposite corners of the proverbial boxing ring – each of us pointing out why we have women’s best interests on our side. 

Segue to one particular pic on the DOMAI site – where we both viewed a picture of a nude woman sitting on a floor with her knees up to her chin, her labia clearly in view.  My dear sister-friend mentioned that the woman was very pretty, but seeing her labia was distracting.  I thought differently (of course), and that seeing her labia was wonderful and showed a sign of confidence.  I mentioned the conversation to my Dear Husband, and he naturally summed our disagreements up in a single statement like he usually does due to his daily word quota:

“You two just have different tastes.  What’s the big deal?”

Well, he’s right.  We do.  I’m bisexual – and it would stand to reason that I liked seeing the beauty of a naked woman because I’m attracted to it.  I was curious if it went deeper than that, and that perhaps there is a point to my friend’s reaction to the labia that was worth exploring. 

She’d said at one point, “Why show her labia?  It doesn’t define HER.” 

She’s right.  She’s absolutely right.  I decided to shed my POV for some time and meditate on her opinion, for I do try as much as possible to give my dissenters an audience.  What I discovered was an appreciation for culturally where we are in terms of how we value women – still, in the 21st century – as either castrated males in the workforce or as mindless vessels for baby-making and mothering or for providing holes for males to masturbate in.   The angry feminista bubbled up again to the surface, and I began to fully appreciate where my dear friend was coming from.  We still have as a culture a very neurotic obsession with the human vulva.  It’s private; it’s dirty; it’s best not talking about it; it’s where women bleed; it’s where we give birth; it houses the clitoris as the one human organ designed specifically for sexual pleasure……aesthetically, it’s extraordinary too, looking and feeling like delicate flower petals of a rose or a lotus – blooming open during arousal revealing ever more mystery and beauty beyond in the vagina.

Not only are our sexual organs powerful physically, but they are powerful symbolically as well.  Currently, talking about pussy usually tends to either evoke mostly school boy fascination and humor or mostly embarrassment and shame in women.  I think this profund lack of reverence for the female genitalia is what my dear friend recognizes culturally, and she is rightly sensitive to it. 

It’s a lot to appreciate.  Yes, we do have quite a ways to go.  But I’ll still like viewing labia regardless of what my dear friend thinks.

We call it three-dimensional breathing in my dance classes that I teach.  Take a moment and give this a try.

When laying down on the floor, or any flat surface for that matter, place your hands on your navel and concentrate on your lower abdomen bulging and hollowing up and down, toward the ceiling and the floor and back in toward the spine.   You shouldn’t have to utilize voluntary muscle activity for this to happen, so let your abdominal cavity relax and let your diaphragm work for you.  Bulge and hollow, bulge and hollow, and concentrate on that dimension.

Now place your hands on either side of your ribs, and focus on the rib cage widening and narrowing like an accordion.  This, in Pilates-based exercise physiology is called “diaphragmatic breathing”, and frees up the abdominal muscles to do core strengthening while you’re utilizing deep breathing.  But for now, just relax flat on your back and feel the sides of your body – the second bodily dimension referenced here – widen and narrow.  Widen and narrow.  Widen and narrow.

And now, place your hands on the cervical part of your spine right behind your neck, and focus on the internal and extremely subtle movement of the body on your inhalations and exhalations by feeling the spine lengthen and shorten.  This movement is likely not to be felt physically, but sensed through visualization.  So, there isn’t really a benchmark for how one should experience this third bodily dimension.  So, inhale and exhale, lengthen and shorten.  Lengthen and shorten.

And finally, place your hands on either side of your body palms up in the Corpse Posture asana in yoga, and utilize all three dimensional movements in your deep breathing.  Bulge and hollow the abdominal cavity, widen and narrow the rib cage, and lengthen and shorten the vertebrae all up and down the spinal column from the cervical spine down through the sacroiliac joint and to the tailbone.  Inhale and exhale, and feel all three dimensions allow the lungs to fill to their full capacity and to oxygenate the blood and your bodily tissues. 

When you feel more at ease with this sensation, feel free to incorporate three-dimensional breathing into your meditations.  Counting your breaths, allow three dimensional breathing to become habitual, therefore training the focus less and less on physical and material, and more and more on thoughts, concepts, and the more subtle realms of samsara.

Happy breathing, my friends.  And happy sitting!